introspective city!

For years I've told myself that I don't fear anything.   

Recently, I've found this notion to be false.  

Tongiht, in light of recent events, I took some time to write down everything I am afraid of. I gave myself one hour, and went at it; stream-of-consciousness style.  

I thought that opening my mind to my blog isnt a horrible idea.  This is my personal place to say ..what *I* want!  I do hope you understand.  So.  Here goes, as was jotted alongside the road \ in my moleskine notebook:

• losing my best friend
  
• my brother joining the army
  
• my brother going to afghanistan
  
• my brother dying 
  
• losing my job
  
• staying in the same job for another 5 years
  
• being broke
  
• being too alone
  
• gaining too much weight
  
• going too crazy
  
• crashing in a plane
  
• hitting a deer
  
• cancer, again
  
• the supernatural
  
• being stagnant and uncreative/boring
  
• lack of appropriate degree
  
• never being able to wear heels again
  
• not looking/being attractive
  
• compromising myself to give into my fears
  
• coming off as weak
  
• running out of money
  
• never learning how to grow up
  
• alcoholism/addiction
  
• disease/promiscuity
  
• being unwanted
  
• annoying the ones I love
  
• dying with no offspring
  
• finding someone
  
• not wanting children
  
• do I travel enough?
  
• seeing the world while I can
  
• being content where I am/wanderlust
  
• losing my family to something else
  
• losing my friends to something else
  
• my family making poor financial decisions
  
• investments
  
• opinions of my work supervisors
  
• not having a passion, not caring
  
• facial hair
  
• ebola
  
• biological warfare
  
• going to places alone
  
• math
  
• STD's
  
• the dark- why am I so afraid? 
  
• anxiety attacks in meetings/social situations
  
• being a disappointment to family
  
• bringing a man home to my parents
  
• meeting that man
  
• facing commitment
  
• making life mistakes in general
  
• becoming too comfortable
  
• becoming too comfortable alone
  
• being on medication
  
• babies
  
• infection
  
• no one wants to hear my fears
  
• and my worries
  
• sinning
  
• lack of religion
  
• not appearing to be happy
  
• not being happy
  

So, that's that. Pure from the heart. 

Video credit: CHUCK

Not The Energy Drink

I've finally decided what I want to do when I grow up. I want to be a rock star. Not just any rock star, but a gyspy punk rock star. It'd definitely help if I was Romani & angry... Can I fake it? I must admit that my motivation lies behind being particularly interested lately in Eugene Hutz, and my love for Gogol Bordello.


Today, I want to be something completely opposite. Today, this Good Friday of corporate office monotony that offers nothing but decaf coffee (with a li'l bit o'cream & 3 Splendas), annoying sounds and donut holes. Today, I should be consumed in sweaty, crazy dancing and lyrical wonderment of my (non?)struggle towards creative and social enlightenment. Alas, I'm not now nor have ever been musically talented... and I don't really like crowds or sweat. Ha.

Please, please don't misunderstand my message. I appreciate my life. I'm happy to have a job. An apartment lease. A car payment. Daily vitamins, and premium gasoline. I guess I never thought I'd spend 5 years of my life working for a corporation, much less in "HR". At this point, it could likely be qualified as a "career". GAH! I'm a Career-Woman?! Just because this isn't my dream, doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. ...Sometimes. Now that I think about it, I feel like what I really enjoy is the interaction with my coworkers, and not the work itself. I mean, I could make a hell of a lot more money if I just did contract design work 20 hours a week. But now is NOT the time for freelance designers. (Especially self-taughts like myself [yeah! Perhaps I AM a bit of a gypsy after all!].)

It doesn't seem as though rock stars are affected by economic crisis. Especially when they're currently squatting in Rio De Janeiro. Then again, most rock stars don't have health insurance or a 401K, or a convertible miata :) I just feel bored, despite being so busy and stressed that I'm having middle of the night anxiety fits. I think the trigger of my emotional wanderlust is from evolving into some beast creature I never thought I'd be. And being somewhat content with it. So now, I must punish my brain for being stuck in a normal and comfortable zone.

I should shut up and be grateful for what I've got. Maybe I could just date a gypsy punk instead? That'd be some excitement, and the prospect of it is motivating me to start scouring craigslist... If only gyspy punks could afford the internet.

I do love it, sometimes.

I owe you more than just screen shots, since I haven't posted in a while... But I have been miserable today and my coworker made me smile.  I had to share: