Wednesday, April 22, 2009

introspective city!

For years I've told myself that I don't fear anything.   

Recently, I've found this notion to be false.  

Tongiht, in light of recent events, I took some time to write down everything I am afraid of. I gave myself one hour, and went at it; stream-of-consciousness style.  

I thought that opening my mind to my blog isnt a horrible idea.  This is my personal place to say ..what *I* want!  I do hope you understand.  So.  Here goes, as was jotted alongside the road \ in my moleskine notebook:

  • losing my best friend
  • my brother joining the army
  • my brother going to afghanistan
  • my brother dying 
  • losing my job
  • staying in the same job for another 5 years
  • being broke
  • being too alone
  • gaining too much weight
  • going too crazy
  • crashing in a plane
  • hitting a deer
  • cancer, again
  • the supernatural
  • being stagnant and uncreative/boring
  • lack of appropriate degree
  • never being able to wear heels again
  • not looking/being attractive
  • compromising myself to give into my fears
  • coming off as weak
  • running out of money
  • never learning how to grow up
  • alcoholism/addiction
  • disease/promiscuity
  • being unwanted
  • annoying the ones I love
  • dying with no offspring
  • finding someone
  • not wanting children
  • do I travel enough?
  • seeing the world while I can
  • being content where I am/wanderlust
  • losing my family to something else
  • losing my friends to something else
  • my family making poor financial decisions
  • investments
  • opinions of my work supervisors
  • not having a passion, not caring
  • facial hair
  • ebola
  • biological warfare
  • going to places alone
  • math
  • STD's
  • the dark- why am I so afraid? 
  • anxiety attacks in meetings/social situations
  • being a disappointment to family
  • bringing a man home to my parents
  • meeting that man
  • facing commitment
  • making life mistakes in general
  • becoming too comfortable
  • becoming too comfortable alone
  • being on medication
  • babies
  • infection
  • no one wants to hear my fears
  • and my worries
  • sinning
  • lack of religion
  • not appearing to be happy
  • not being happy

So, that's that. Pure from the heart. 

Video credit: CHUCK

Friday, April 10, 2009

Not The Energy Drink

I've finally decided what I want to do when I grow up. I want to be a rock star. Not just any rock star, but a gyspy punk rock star. It'd definitely help if I was Romani & angry... Can I fake it? I must admit that my motivation lies behind being particularly interested lately in Eugene Hutz, and my love for Gogol Bordello.

Today, I want to be something completely opposite. Today, this Good Friday of corporate office monotony that offers nothing but decaf coffee (with a li'l bit o'cream & 3 Splendas), annoying sounds and donut holes. Today, I should be consumed in sweaty, crazy dancing and lyrical wonderment of my (non?)struggle towards creative and social enlightenment. Alas, I'm not now nor have ever been musically talented... and I don't really like crowds or sweat. Ha.

Please, please don't misunderstand my message. I appreciate my life. I'm happy to have a job. An apartment lease. A car payment. Daily vitamins, and premium gasoline. I guess I never thought I'd spend 5 years of my life working for a corporation, much less in "HR". At this point, it could likely be qualified as a "career". GAH! I'm a Career-Woman?! Just because this isn't my dream, doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. ...Sometimes. Now that I think about it, I feel like what I really enjoy is the interaction with my coworkers, and not the work itself. I mean, I could make a hell of a lot more money if I just did contract design work 20 hours a week. But now is NOT the time for freelance designers. (Especially self-taughts like myself [yeah! Perhaps I AM a bit of a gypsy after all!].)

It doesn't seem as though rock stars are affected by economic crisis. Especially when they're currently squatting in Rio De Janeiro. Then again, most rock stars don't have health insurance or a 401K, or a convertible miata :) I just feel bored, despite being so busy and stressed that I'm having middle of the night anxiety fits. I think the trigger of my emotional wanderlust is from evolving into some beast creature I never thought I'd be. And being somewhat content with it. So now, I must punish my brain for being stuck in a normal and comfortable zone.

I should shut up and be grateful for what I've got. Maybe I could just date a gypsy punk instead? That'd be some excitement, and the prospect of it is motivating me to start scouring craigslist... If only gyspy punks could afford the internet.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I do love it, sometimes.

I owe you more than just screen shots, since I haven't posted in a while... But I have been miserable today and my coworker made me smile.  I had to share: